Tuesday, August 8, 2017

The Line I Walk Beside

First baby I got to hold of my brother's was his first born, I never got to hold any of the other kids, not even the step kids, none of them. My brother's ex wives, I call them wives because he had kids with them, his ex wives never wanted me apart of their lives. I look at photos now, they are so grown, they look like family members from days of our past. Growing up and yet I know nothing about them, I know nothing. Hurts me, kills me inside to even be called their aunt when I am not allow around them because of a lying drunk or a lying whore, well I guess they are both whores.

I have so much hate in my heart. So much god damn anger. I hate it that I hate shit. Yet, I am the only one in the family that has half a head on straight, yet I am just bitching. Maybe my bitching has a reason yet fuck all that.

One day my dear brothers, I will raise above you all and disappear. There will be no trace of me left but a faded memory. I picked not to have kids because well seems like one of you had them all for me already. In order to save what children are in our family, I now have to do the biggest magic trick of all. If I leave forever, they will be enough for them all, they will be taken care of when I am gone. No matter what those whores say about me, I always loved my kids, they are my kids just as much as theirs because they are family. I love them more than anything, I cry over them. Yet, the parents couldn't give up their addictions for them. I can only pray they are smarter than I am, I am counting on it.

Clues left behind of memories of where I went so they can find me. I can only hope they see, I was never trying to take their mothers' places, fuck that, I do not want to be known as the fuck up mother. I rather be the cool aunt that saved them from their dumb ass mistakes. I rather be the hero than the one to cause them pain.

One day I can only pray they will see, I love them even when they hate me the most. I will take the blame for everything if it means they will grow up happy with no hatred in their hearts. No child should have to pay for what their parents did or didnt do.

Monday, August 7, 2017

Why, I Will Never Have Children

I grew up thinking I had a really close family. As I got older, I figure out none of that was true. My brothers hate me, most of my family doesn’t even know I am alive, and other part of the family, they haven’t seen me nor met me since I was born. I tried looking for a mate for life, where his family I could call my own. Most fucked up part is, I didn’t do anything to his family, and they already turn their back. The reason is because he started this process before I was even in the picture. Yet, I had to suffer trying to kiss everyone’s ass for a family I was never going to be accepted into. If I would have been told this, I would have made a different choice than leaving what family I have left behind in California. Only family I have is my mother, she is so far away, I fucking hate where my life ended up because I thought I was doing good, I thought I was going somewhere. Of course, not…I will never be anything or anyone. I will never be accepted for who I am because I am no one, I do not even know who I am anymore.  Honestly, If I could die, I would, but I can’t. I thought maybe I could grow up and have kids of my own. Then maybe, maybe, I can have the family I always wanted, but what about my kids? They will never have a family, they will be disowned for being my child from the get go. No one will love my child but me and you know what, that isn’t fair to any child. It’s not fair to anyone to walk alone on this earth for a lifetime, that is why god gave us another to hold onto but even then, it’s not always enough. Love never stopped anyone from dying, it only caused more deaths in the end.