Why, I Will Never Have Children

I grew up thinking I had a really close family. As I got older, I figure out none of that was true. My brothers hate me, most of my family doesn’t even know I am alive, and other part of the family, they haven’t seen me nor met me since I was born. I tried looking for a mate for life, where his family I could call my own. Most fucked up part is, I didn’t do anything to his family, and they already turn their back. The reason is because he started this process before I was even in the picture. Yet, I had to suffer trying to kiss everyone’s ass for a family I was never going to be accepted into. If I would have been told this, I would have made a different choice than leaving what family I have left behind in California. Only family I have is my mother, she is so far away, I fucking hate where my life ended up because I thought I was doing good, I thought I was going somewhere. Of course, not…I will never be anything or anyone. I will never be accepted for who I am because I am no one, I do not even know who I am anymore.  Honestly, If I could die, I would, but I can’t. I thought maybe I could grow up and have kids of my own. Then maybe, maybe, I can have the family I always wanted, but what about my kids? They will never have a family, they will be disowned for being my child from the get go. No one will love my child but me and you know what, that isn’t fair to any child. It’s not fair to anyone to walk alone on this earth for a lifetime, that is why god gave us another to hold onto but even then, it’s not always enough. Love never stopped anyone from dying, it only caused more deaths in the end.